Just for the record- once again, I got sick for the anniversary (mother's death). It wasn't ON Friday, but the day before. Still, if I had been working, it would've once again started off as a mental health day that turned out to be a Sick Day after all. Amazing. Think that's every year so far....
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Debate
Did I miss something? I thought I heard Obama agree with Hillary over
licenses after declaring he didn't understand her response. I think
part of the problem for the Clintons has always been that, in addition
to being politicians, they refuse to see or express things in black and
white. And the dummies out there consider this pandering. Obama makes
me sleepy, though last night was the best I've seen him. I like Biden-
he's not "presidential," but he may be the most qualified one up there!
And yes, I 've always loved Russert, but rather than coming off as
relentlessly doing his job- seems to me he's obsessed with trapping
Hillary Clinton rather than being objective- others got away with not
answering "yes or no" questions- not her. Tim- you want a Republican in
there?!?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Bloggin the Emmys
I get it now. We all watch, comment, blog, pontificate, critique in
desperate hopes of somehow, somewhere, having our own 15 minutes while
feeling superior to everyone else. Since I too have fallen into this
trap, I will now shut up and sign off- and get back to my life.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Shrinks and drugs
I had two shrink appointments this week- I keep thinking, if "what you focus on expands," then why the hell am I spending so much time talking and thinking about my problems?
Well, I guess the message I keep getting is to do drugs (Now they tell me) and don't think.
Actually, exercise will take care of both...
I just read the following:
"Serotonin is one of the big three neurotransmitters responsible for depression, along with norepinephrine and dopamine. My wild-ass guess / rule of thumb is that imbalances of one or more of the three are responsible for 80% of the depression issues. It's all just a matter of figuring out exactly the extent of the tweaking and what neurotransmitters you exactly need to tweak."
It's both frustrating and reassuring that some of this is actually biological, though still embarrassing. I find it easier to tell people I have colitis than depression or anxiety disorder.
"Yeah, man, I'm cool- I just spend a lot of time on the toilet having diarrhea..."
So I've been walking at the malls, was at Cape Cod for a couple of days, hit the ocean, walked the streets- band practice was the most therapeutic.
The doc-shrink wants me to up my Lexapro another quarter of a tablet. Still taking clonopin.
From what I keep hearing, it takes a while to find the right drug combo and then adapt to it... also, that's also just part of the picture. The shrink told me "one size does not fit all," though my uncle is now presently telling me to take what he takes, do what he does. (Take drugs and leave nasty phone messages.)
I guess Lexapro is supposed to have some of the fewest side effects- though my sister does well with Wellbutrin and an ADD drug...
It's difficult.... you try to get a handle on all this stuff yourself, but that doesn't guarantee that the rest of the planet is gonna cooperate with you.... I feel like wearing a billboard saying "Please- I'm trying to restore myself to sanity- don't upset me!"
Sometimes "it gets worse before it gets better...."
Then tomorrow's Another day... Oy!
Well, I guess the message I keep getting is to do drugs (Now they tell me) and don't think.
Actually, exercise will take care of both...
I just read the following:
"Serotonin is one of the big three neurotransmitters responsible for depression, along with norepinephrine and dopamine. My wild-ass guess / rule of thumb is that imbalances of one or more of the three are responsible for 80% of the depression issues. It's all just a matter of figuring out exactly the extent of the tweaking and what neurotransmitters you exactly need to tweak."
It's both frustrating and reassuring that some of this is actually biological, though still embarrassing. I find it easier to tell people I have colitis than depression or anxiety disorder.
"Yeah, man, I'm cool- I just spend a lot of time on the toilet having diarrhea..."
So I've been walking at the malls, was at Cape Cod for a couple of days, hit the ocean, walked the streets- band practice was the most therapeutic.
The doc-shrink wants me to up my Lexapro another quarter of a tablet. Still taking clonopin.
From what I keep hearing, it takes a while to find the right drug combo and then adapt to it... also, that's also just part of the picture. The shrink told me "one size does not fit all," though my uncle is now presently telling me to take what he takes, do what he does. (Take drugs and leave nasty phone messages.)
I guess Lexapro is supposed to have some of the fewest side effects- though my sister does well with Wellbutrin and an ADD drug...
It's difficult.... you try to get a handle on all this stuff yourself, but that doesn't guarantee that the rest of the planet is gonna cooperate with you.... I feel like wearing a billboard saying "Please- I'm trying to restore myself to sanity- don't upset me!"
Sometimes "it gets worse before it gets better...."
Then tomorrow's Another day... Oy!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The Medium contest dream
It was 1991, and my father had just passed away. I had a dream in which I was walking in a mall, and there on the other side, walking in the same direction, was my father. He looked 20 years younger, or as I'd supposed he'd preferred to appear, and we each stepped on parallel, adjoining escalators, going up. The entire time my father looked at me, unsmiling, but reassuringly. I got off at the next level, but my father's escalator kept going, as he continued to give me that look. When I awoke, I felt as if he had just given me this message- "Don't worry, it's OK."
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hypochondria
Just a quick preview:
1) HS- I thought I had BPH
2) I had scurvy, every disease in Mark's med books
3) Bubby died- and I was mortal.
4) Ira died, and I thought I was going to.
5) I thought I was sick- Helen talked me out of it.
6) Panic attacks with Wellbutrin
7) Panic attacks- did gig.
8) Job goes up in smoke- meltdown, burnout, what else?- hypochondria attack.
Like 2 years ago, walking up hill or stairs will involve some "shortness of breath"- that continues or increases rather than leaves due to fear. Instead, it grows. A week or two ago, and still some moments today, there are times when lungs don't feel right at rest. I had chest x-ray and echocardiogram 2 years ago. Panic subsided. Blood tests just taken. We'll compare notes with remicade, test resyults, all the meds and doctors. Meantime, exercise. When did this happen? Uh... after I left job. When last time? Uh.. after DWI.. When before thaat? Uh.. after I left job... Daddy sick... always guilt- as well as stress. Huge guilt. Dump the guilt. Calm down. Get in shape. Believe. More next time......
1) HS- I thought I had BPH
2) I had scurvy, every disease in Mark's med books
3) Bubby died- and I was mortal.
4) Ira died, and I thought I was going to.
5) I thought I was sick- Helen talked me out of it.
6) Panic attacks with Wellbutrin
7) Panic attacks- did gig.
8) Job goes up in smoke- meltdown, burnout, what else?- hypochondria attack.
Like 2 years ago, walking up hill or stairs will involve some "shortness of breath"- that continues or increases rather than leaves due to fear. Instead, it grows. A week or two ago, and still some moments today, there are times when lungs don't feel right at rest. I had chest x-ray and echocardiogram 2 years ago. Panic subsided. Blood tests just taken. We'll compare notes with remicade, test resyults, all the meds and doctors. Meantime, exercise. When did this happen? Uh... after I left job. When last time? Uh.. after DWI.. When before thaat? Uh.. after I left job... Daddy sick... always guilt- as well as stress. Huge guilt. Dump the guilt. Calm down. Get in shape. Believe. More next time......
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Tattoos
I personally am nauseated by the sight of even a single tattoo on someone's body, and feel that only a clueless, self-destructive worthless moron would be interested in such a thing. Not to attack anyone- it's just something way, way beyond my comprehension. It makes as much sense to me as painting your teeth black or surgically removing parts of your body instead of "decorating" it. Ugh. Grow up, 21st Century American culture- or get back to where you once belonged!
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