Meltdowns

Stevie Nicks was on TV talking about how she became an addict and losing herself while taking- clonopin! Clonopin?!? That's what I'm on! It's prescribed! I thought she did mostly cocaine! Maybe I should go to Betty Ford now...

The drunk, shmuck, rhythm guitar player actually quit finally, so I was about to bring my guitars and songs into the mix, as requested- but they decided they want to fill the hole with a husband-wife team who supposedly have connections for gigs- the guy's supposedly a decent guitar player, but his wife sang with us once and I remember her as.. sucking. Sounded like an old white woman.

Mostly, it's apparent that these guys aren't interested in creativity or art- they wanna play it safe for a bunch of drunks in a series of bars. Even the lead guitar player, who I've been swapping original recordings with, seems to want to be a "guitar hero" rather than doing self-expression or collaborate on something new and different.

So I have the option of just accepting the band as it is- an outlet just for singing and rocking out- and reserving the original stuff just for myself or another project or group of people.

Right now, I'm inclined to quit both the band and the job. And the shrink. And anything else not helping me be where I wanna be. Wherever that is. It sure can't be this!

("Surely not to live in pain and fear...")

These bottoms and meltdowns might be good for us- otherwise, we could tend to accept the status quo. Much easier than change. Though the turmoil is no picnic!

The "I don't give a fucks," I was told once, are a big threat to one's sobriety, which I can understand. Maybe it's also the first step to detachment, which can lead to freedom, dropping out- then back in. A break or rest.

I'm just going through a whole lot of acceptances lately because I'm too disillusioned to feel anything else. I can't go numb, or take any medication- so I'm in survival mode.

This all sounds very depressing but right now any rest or a break is good enough. It actually feels good to know that I don't fear losing either the band or job, for example. What is surprising is that I'm even optimistic about it all. I've survived worse! In fact, I almost welcome it! ("Too Much Compromise," the title of a song I wrote decades ago, sums it all up.)

I'm also hoping to take some advice (exercise, better rest and diet) and look into things my therapist might be overlooking. I think sometimesit's everything we think it is- hope that doesn't sound too depressing- anxiety And depression And fatique And sleep deprivation And external factors And hormones.... yeah, just because one is paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you....

And "they're" the ones who Really need the help!

Rambling, and I'm not even on ambien yet.

Norah Jones' new album got mediocre reviews because it's supposedly just more of the same, and some people call her "Snorah Jones." But it was just what the doctor ordered, listening to it the other night. Calmed the soul. The power of music. Why it's 90% TV and 10% music for me right now I have no idea.

Sean Lennon, too, is another one. When I first heard him sing, I figured that no matter how great any song or record of his might be, I wouldn't be able to get into it because of his voice- and that it sounds nothing like his father's. But his latest album is great, the companion DVD reminds me of the old John and Yoko videos, and I should be at the Egg tonight seeing him! Damn!

But, yes, the album grows on you- so it's something worth getting and then hearing more than once.

The Cliff's Notes Version

Maybe it's all very simple:

My job sucks because I'm not my own boss, "I'm surrounded by idiots (-Jack Sternbach, 1919-91)," Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow, One Day at a Time- To Thine Own Self Be True, Take Care of Yourself and Get Plenty of Rest.

(And, in the end, the Love You Take is Equal to the Love You Make.)

We all shine on.

Mess

Especially if (since?..) there are no coincidences, then there's that option to consider- the truth is out there, if I let it find me. That is, I've always been afraid of buying into any negative/fearful viewpoint imposed  upon me by others. I find this a terrifying world, though, and I can't believe that good people are either being punished or suffer or die because they are unenlightened.

I find your advice or comments more "therapeutic" than what I remember or translate from my therapist's- you are right, I have to consider my own reality ("Don't follow leaders, watch the parking meters"), and the "conventional wisdom" is to accept my job as it is while looking for another- which is a full-time job in itself. "Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.." I hadn't considered until you'd mentioned it that I might be setting myself up by looking for the same job, the same boss, the same trap, with the same resume and the same value system- "Gotta woik! Gotta bring in the bacon!"

I just bought a fantastic capo for my guitar yesterday, cost $40, out of the question with no job and a budget. Just a tiny example of the fear of losing- freedom?...

But I have always hated authority. I always will. I can set my alarm and get up every morning for 50 years, but I will always feel better staying up and sleeping later. These jobs, where I end up feeling dehumanized after attempted castrations on the part of the systems I work for- cost me far more than I earn.

I have to look back in wonder that I am as successful as I am, in fact at all- despite all this. I'm good at my job. But I'm not a company man, a yes man, an assembly line man, a boss's man, anybody's man- I'm too fucking stubborn.

I've always felt I had a specific destiny, like everyone- but not since my childhood or in a long while at lest have I given it much thought what it was supposed to be.

I do know that going from A to B may take you to something other than C- which is a Good thing if it's The right thing. Or A right thing.

I am fed up with the whole thing, including my own words and thoughts- meaning, I am tired, but it's mostly- empty what's left in the coffee cup so you can fill it up again.

I've got 1000 different reactions and emotions and a mess of pollution in the cup- and I'm not sure I'm seeing too clearly yet. But things are clearer than they were last week. Things sufaced. Yes, I had a meltdown. But there was a reason. I've taken a few days off from work to recover from the physical and emotional effects of the meltdown- also trying to detach  at least mentally from the trap.

I'm not so egotistical or self-involved to think that only I go through these or a million other struggles on a daily basis, but I have to solve my own mess before I disappear.

The network administrator at work says she's going through the same issues, but I'm not sure they're exactly the same, and she sure hasn't hit bottom- I think she's one of those people who just "settle" and then live meaningless lives interspersed with a bit of entertainment or escapism.

I still feel like I'm babbling- that's what I mean about wiping the slate. Is this anxiety, compulsion, caffeine, or the truth talking?

In other words- have I presently become "Sturgeon's Law"- 95% bullshit?

And I too now doubt myself- am I self-destructive or too real to fit?

No, I missed Lucinda- did you see her? I liked some of her album- but haven't played it since... Too much noise already in my head. The thought of having some time just to clear out the clutter and see a new light is exhilirating. What songs or drawings are in me? I don't know- I'm not there yet...

Interesting- my music/computer/art/private room looks just like my head- a cluttered mess!

("But I know where everything is!")

Modern times

Star Jones and Donald Trump should have a threesome with Heather Mills in a hot tub filled with my vomit.

Posted at 3:54PM on Mar 16th 2007 by auramac

Ask Mrs. Jeeves

How about "Paperback Riders?"

Or, Mrs. Rick Drops Off The Kids And Goes Shopping..

Well, as my wife agrees, and I discovered a long time ago- even family get-togethers you may look forward to, like certain holidays, are not to be confused with vacations! This trip is gonna be difficult because her uncle (who is a great guy) is sick and very old, and her brother is a pain in the butt. My face will hurt from trying all weekend to look like I'm smiling!

I'm sure she'll be taking the day off from work Monday- I would, too if I had enough time...

I'll have to check out Drome Sound- it was depressing last I looked, but I didn't check out any prices. It was the only place I could get a decent deal on renting two monitors for the last gig, though... Guitar Center doesn't do rentals, and Daddy's Junky is getting junkier..



that's why i got so pissed at rick cause i knew he had nothing to do except give joann give the wknd.off those 2 drunken invalids are useless!...now you have a valid family commitment(i'm sure its no picnic driving to roch. for sick uncle) good luck........i'm sure rick will practice hard during our break! ha!ha! went to drome sound last sat. with russ...new location about the size of a pizza shop...the prices cant be beat(maybe they had that recorder thing you just bought?)...example: epiphone "les paul plus top" beautiful flame top for 369$ musician friend has the same guitar for about 500$ i'm gonna buy one for my son for his birthday(he is 10x better than rick, he reads guitar tab. and plays every nite) i'm starting to think anyone is better than rick ..oh yeah ,i'm commin out of my recording slump...been puttin some good stuff on tape......i'm gonna name one inst. "bob the taxi driver"...

Don't Look Back

I first saw this film the year it was originally released, and it remains one of the most fascinating and life-altering events in my life. The Bob Dylan of 1965-66 was a white-hot supernova that no one would ever touch, including himself. This is a portrait of a sensitive, young genius, who, try as he may, found that having fun or joking through the inanity and misunderstanding that frequently surrounded him quickly gave way to irritation, frustration, sarcasm, and even cruelty. It is easy to see why. I agree that it's sad that this perfect icon of poetry and rebellion existed for such a short, though still eternal, time. Dylan's artistry today remains intact, but in a different form. You could not invent a character in fiction more interesting or inspiring. What a great film! What a great time. As Al Aranowitz, the late, great rock critic once said- "Dylan was (is) the Heavyweight Champion of the World."

Capt. America

Interesting debate that mirrors where we are in America today- security or freedom? Can't we have both?... One of the greatest comics ever created was Avengers #4 in which Stan Lee and Jack Kirby brought back Steve Rogers aka Captain America by thawing him out. It's not just the costume- it's the man! it's not just the symbolism- I lost interest in Green Lantern when Hal Jordan was replaced by a "new" contempory guy wearing his costume. Same for Barry Allen's Flash, though that too had happened before. Someone other than Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent? Out of the question. No, the problem is a creative one- this new crop of comic writers and artists have run out of ideas. And we're all numb- so we have to be shocked into caring about things or buying comics. How about taking what you've got, what's gone before, and using a little talent? What's next- replacing the flag? How about a "new, improved, edgy" constitution? Don't get me wrong- in most areas I'm a complete radical. But traditions matter. Bring back Captain America! But you must also- bring back Steve Rogers, too! No substitutions allowed!