Bloggin the Emmys

I get it now. We all watch, comment, blog, pontificate, critique in desperate hopes of somehow, somewhere, having our own 15 minutes while feeling superior to everyone else. Since I too have fallen into this trap, I will now shut up and sign off- and get back to my life.

Shrinks and drugs

I had two shrink appointments this week- I keep thinking, if "what you focus on expands," then why the hell am I spending so much time talking and thinking about my problems?

Well, I guess the message I keep getting is to do drugs (Now they tell me) and don't think.

Actually, exercise will take care of both...

I just read the following:

"Serotonin is one of the big three neurotransmitters responsible for depression, along with norepinephrine and dopamine.  My wild-ass guess / rule of thumb is that imbalances of one or more of the three are responsible for 80% of the depression issues.  It's all just a matter of figuring out exactly the extent of the tweaking and what neurotransmitters you exactly need to tweak."

It's both frustrating and reassuring that some of this is actually biological, though still embarrassing. I find it easier to tell people I have colitis than depression or anxiety disorder.

"Yeah, man, I'm cool- I just spend a lot of time on the toilet having diarrhea..."

So I've been walking at the malls, was at Cape Cod for a couple of days, hit the ocean, walked the streets- band practice was the most therapeutic.

The doc-shrink wants me to up my Lexapro another quarter of a tablet. Still taking clonopin.

From what I keep hearing, it takes a while to find the right drug combo and then adapt to it... also, that's also just part of the picture. The shrink told me "one size does not fit all," though my uncle is now presently telling me to take what he takes, do what he does.  (Take drugs and leave nasty phone messages.)

I guess Lexapro is supposed to have some of the fewest side effects- though my sister does well with Wellbutrin and an ADD drug...

It's difficult.... you try to get a handle on all this stuff yourself, but that doesn't guarantee that the rest of the planet is gonna cooperate with you.... I feel like wearing a billboard saying "Please- I'm trying to restore myself to sanity- don't upset me!"

Sometimes "it gets worse before it gets better...."

Then tomorrow's Another day... Oy!

The Medium contest dream

It was 1991, and my father had just passed away. I had a dream in which I was walking in a mall, and there on the other side, walking in the same direction, was my father. He looked 20 years younger, or as I'd supposed he'd preferred to appear, and we each stepped on parallel, adjoining escalators, going up. The entire time my father looked at me, unsmiling, but reassuringly. I got off at the next level, but my father's escalator kept going, as he continued to give me that look. When I awoke, I felt as if he had just given me this message- "Don't worry, it's OK."

Hypochondria

Just a quick preview:
1) HS- I thought I had BPH
2) I had scurvy, every disease in Mark's med books
3) Bubby died- and I was mortal.
4) Ira died, and I thought I was going to.
5) I thought I was sick- Helen talked me out of it.
6) Panic attacks with Wellbutrin
7) Panic attacks- did gig.
8) Job goes up in smoke- meltdown, burnout, what else?- hypochondria attack.

Like 2 years ago, walking up hill or stairs will involve some "shortness of breath"- that continues or increases rather than leaves due to fear. Instead, it grows. A week or two ago, and still some moments today, there are times when lungs don't feel right at rest. I had chest x-ray and echocardiogram 2 years ago. Panic subsided. Blood tests just taken. We'll compare notes with remicade, test resyults, all the meds and doctors. Meantime, exercise. When did this happen? Uh... after I left job. When last time? Uh.. after DWI.. When before thaat? Uh.. after I left job... Daddy sick... always guilt- as well as stress. Huge guilt. Dump the guilt. Calm down. Get in shape. Believe. More next time......

Tattoos

I personally am nauseated by the sight of even a single tattoo on someone's body, and feel that only a clueless, self-destructive worthless moron would be interested in such a thing. Not to attack anyone- it's just something way, way beyond my comprehension. It makes as much sense to me as painting your teeth black or surgically removing parts of your body instead of "decorating" it. Ugh. Grow up, 21st Century American culture- or get back to where you once belonged!

More crap

Hi-

I don't think Ryan has any Novell experience- I think he was running OS X server. Was he ever asked why he left that job? And the one before it?

Thanks again for nuking the Blackberry..  

Funny, come to think of it, Chris Brown was like that with the eye contact even outside an interview.. Lynn's argument about Applecare is ridiculous. He could order parts but we'd still have to pay for them. (I'd also mentioned in that last e-mail to Mac that as long as he was offering training, I would've loved to take the Apple certification classes at Rhinecliff- then I too could've ordered out-of-warranteed parts.)

It seemed obvious to me after hearing the list of tests Lynn's son had already undergone that the problem was most likely psychogenic. I mean, I would think that MRI's, CATScans, X-Rays, etc. would show something. Either that or he's simply fibbing- but sounds like the doctors are ruling out the physical. Is she actually disappointed by this?

Well, Tony Soprano may or may not have been "whacked," but I sure feel like I have (I've never seen that show, actually- I'll have to check out the DVD's).

I can't make sense out of that place- maybe I'm better off that way. Actually, speaking of depression, my doctor wondered if I ever felt that way, and I told her I couldn't be sure- I was too burnt and exhausted from the work frustration and anxiety, in addition to the colitis!

My sister and uncle have struggled with depression for years, and my next doctor's visit will be a complete physical in addition to evaluating how I'm feeling after the rest and break from the Madhouse.

Like I said, I'm definitely getting some rest, but not quite good as new after a few days off- still exhausted and my stomach is still unhappy.

So I guess I'm lucky the budget passed- I could've kept going till I literally dropped. I'm glad it all came to a head, and my doctor verified not only what I knew but what I didn't know, so I don't have to feel so guilty!

I e-mailed Steve to touch base with him and give him an idea what's going on with me, plus, since he's out in the schools, to convey to anyone who might ask, my regret for not being able to hang in there another few weeks- but the doc said "no." Also, that I'd be at this e-mail address.

You are lucky to get that break on Fridays- plus, it sounds like much more than a break.


Mitch

Letter to Steve

Hi, Steve-

Hope things aren't Too hectic...

I went to the doctor to get checked out and hadn't anticipated not being allowed to work due to my ulcerative colitis, and the effect it and recent developments at work had on me both physically and otherwise.

I had written an e-mail to Mac, as you'd suggested, so did my wife- telling him how I felt about certain things, plus my thoughts and suggestions for the future, including summer projects. Things I was hoping to do with the next images, etc.

I also suggested that since you and I have worked well together, I felt that with your getting a bit more involved in Macs if you wished- with some training and workshops as we'd gone to at NERIC, we'd have sufficient Mac backup if any new person could provide a backup to not only me but others- that I agreed, and felt strongly there should be Mac support if I were out sick or on vacation. But we didn't need a "clone" of me- there's a lot of other stuff to go around for an entry-level position.

I also mentioned that of all the candidates whose resumes, e-mails, and applications I saw, the only one I had something negative to say about was Ryan Faas, based on past experience.

To my shock and horror, Mac went after him, called him, scheduled an interview- and last I heard from Melinda- was offered the job.

I don't know what to make out of that, and maybe I don't want to think about that too much. What also surprised me was that from the get-go, Ryan had initially written to Mac that he wasn't sure about full-time due to all his other commitments. But he'd "bake some cookies" for him if he were offered something part-time. O-kaay...

I had told both Mac and Lynn that I did not like him as a candidate, and wrote so as part of my comments on my first and last day on the "interview committee."

Mac did not like my e-mail in general and seemed to totally misunderstand parts of it. I was trying to be completely honest in one last-ditch attempt to take a  big load off my mind. This included mentioning how many users feel about approaching the help desk. I felt it was a responsibility to bring that to his attention, not only because it bothered me. He thought I was "attacking" because I "felt attacked."

No, I was just getting carried away telling the truth.

So I am trying to get my health back, will be seen by my primary physician in a month, trying not to think too much aboutBCSD. I feel bad I couldn't be there till at least the end of June to provide Mac support, and please pass that on to any users who may be asking about my absense. I miss supporting them and doing my job- as you can imagine, there are other things about going into work that I surely do not miss at all.

(Another surprise was that even though I am out on "medical leave," Mac asked for my keys, laptop, drives, documentation- all of which I had my wife bring in for me.)

At the moment, I'm taking it a day at a time till my next doctor's appointment. I sure am sleeping a lot, and I'm hoping my stomach calms down soon. I thought I'd be a "new man" after a couple of days off, but apparently not the case.

Hope it doesn't get too rough out there- keep me posted, but, since I don't plan on checking my BCSD mailbox if I can help it, I can be reached at auramac@aol.com.

Mitch