Mess

Especially if (since?..) there are no coincidences, then there's that option to consider- the truth is out there, if I let it find me. That is, I've always been afraid of buying into any negative/fearful viewpoint imposed  upon me by others. I find this a terrifying world, though, and I can't believe that good people are either being punished or suffer or die because they are unenlightened.

I find your advice or comments more "therapeutic" than what I remember or translate from my therapist's- you are right, I have to consider my own reality ("Don't follow leaders, watch the parking meters"), and the "conventional wisdom" is to accept my job as it is while looking for another- which is a full-time job in itself. "Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.." I hadn't considered until you'd mentioned it that I might be setting myself up by looking for the same job, the same boss, the same trap, with the same resume and the same value system- "Gotta woik! Gotta bring in the bacon!"

I just bought a fantastic capo for my guitar yesterday, cost $40, out of the question with no job and a budget. Just a tiny example of the fear of losing- freedom?...

But I have always hated authority. I always will. I can set my alarm and get up every morning for 50 years, but I will always feel better staying up and sleeping later. These jobs, where I end up feeling dehumanized after attempted castrations on the part of the systems I work for- cost me far more than I earn.

I have to look back in wonder that I am as successful as I am, in fact at all- despite all this. I'm good at my job. But I'm not a company man, a yes man, an assembly line man, a boss's man, anybody's man- I'm too fucking stubborn.

I've always felt I had a specific destiny, like everyone- but not since my childhood or in a long while at lest have I given it much thought what it was supposed to be.

I do know that going from A to B may take you to something other than C- which is a Good thing if it's The right thing. Or A right thing.

I am fed up with the whole thing, including my own words and thoughts- meaning, I am tired, but it's mostly- empty what's left in the coffee cup so you can fill it up again.

I've got 1000 different reactions and emotions and a mess of pollution in the cup- and I'm not sure I'm seeing too clearly yet. But things are clearer than they were last week. Things sufaced. Yes, I had a meltdown. But there was a reason. I've taken a few days off from work to recover from the physical and emotional effects of the meltdown- also trying to detach  at least mentally from the trap.

I'm not so egotistical or self-involved to think that only I go through these or a million other struggles on a daily basis, but I have to solve my own mess before I disappear.

The network administrator at work says she's going through the same issues, but I'm not sure they're exactly the same, and she sure hasn't hit bottom- I think she's one of those people who just "settle" and then live meaningless lives interspersed with a bit of entertainment or escapism.

I still feel like I'm babbling- that's what I mean about wiping the slate. Is this anxiety, compulsion, caffeine, or the truth talking?

In other words- have I presently become "Sturgeon's Law"- 95% bullshit?

And I too now doubt myself- am I self-destructive or too real to fit?

No, I missed Lucinda- did you see her? I liked some of her album- but haven't played it since... Too much noise already in my head. The thought of having some time just to clear out the clutter and see a new light is exhilirating. What songs or drawings are in me? I don't know- I'm not there yet...

Interesting- my music/computer/art/private room looks just like my head- a cluttered mess!

("But I know where everything is!")