Meltdowns

Stevie Nicks was on TV talking about how she became an addict and losing herself while taking- clonopin! Clonopin?!? That's what I'm on! It's prescribed! I thought she did mostly cocaine! Maybe I should go to Betty Ford now...

The drunk, shmuck, rhythm guitar player actually quit finally, so I was about to bring my guitars and songs into the mix, as requested- but they decided they want to fill the hole with a husband-wife team who supposedly have connections for gigs- the guy's supposedly a decent guitar player, but his wife sang with us once and I remember her as.. sucking. Sounded like an old white woman.

Mostly, it's apparent that these guys aren't interested in creativity or art- they wanna play it safe for a bunch of drunks in a series of bars. Even the lead guitar player, who I've been swapping original recordings with, seems to want to be a "guitar hero" rather than doing self-expression or collaborate on something new and different.

So I have the option of just accepting the band as it is- an outlet just for singing and rocking out- and reserving the original stuff just for myself or another project or group of people.

Right now, I'm inclined to quit both the band and the job. And the shrink. And anything else not helping me be where I wanna be. Wherever that is. It sure can't be this!

("Surely not to live in pain and fear...")

These bottoms and meltdowns might be good for us- otherwise, we could tend to accept the status quo. Much easier than change. Though the turmoil is no picnic!

The "I don't give a fucks," I was told once, are a big threat to one's sobriety, which I can understand. Maybe it's also the first step to detachment, which can lead to freedom, dropping out- then back in. A break or rest.

I'm just going through a whole lot of acceptances lately because I'm too disillusioned to feel anything else. I can't go numb, or take any medication- so I'm in survival mode.

This all sounds very depressing but right now any rest or a break is good enough. It actually feels good to know that I don't fear losing either the band or job, for example. What is surprising is that I'm even optimistic about it all. I've survived worse! In fact, I almost welcome it! ("Too Much Compromise," the title of a song I wrote decades ago, sums it all up.)

I'm also hoping to take some advice (exercise, better rest and diet) and look into things my therapist might be overlooking. I think sometimesit's everything we think it is- hope that doesn't sound too depressing- anxiety And depression And fatique And sleep deprivation And external factors And hormones.... yeah, just because one is paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you....

And "they're" the ones who Really need the help!

Rambling, and I'm not even on ambien yet.

Norah Jones' new album got mediocre reviews because it's supposedly just more of the same, and some people call her "Snorah Jones." But it was just what the doctor ordered, listening to it the other night. Calmed the soul. The power of music. Why it's 90% TV and 10% music for me right now I have no idea.

Sean Lennon, too, is another one. When I first heard him sing, I figured that no matter how great any song or record of his might be, I wouldn't be able to get into it because of his voice- and that it sounds nothing like his father's. But his latest album is great, the companion DVD reminds me of the old John and Yoko videos, and I should be at the Egg tonight seeing him! Damn!

But, yes, the album grows on you- so it's something worth getting and then hearing more than once.