Advice to Lori

Hi-

Sorry it took so long to respond... Not so well here all the time, either. No relapses- at least drugs or alcohol... just stress and  "sick and tired.."

I figured when I hadn't heard from you that things were going really well, and you were in the midst of enjoying yourself and doing all these great things, or things weren't going so well.. sometimes both. A week ago I was on a high, I laid back at work and just did my job, didn't pay attention to the nonsense- band played a gig at an Eagles Club and people went nuts saying how great we were. I had rented two monitors so I could finally hear myself- which made me sing better. The week before we auditioned a girl who sings backup and plays keyboards- she started playing "Imagine" and it just so happens I know all the words- so I could not refrain from leaning into the mic and doing the whole song- the drummer came in perfectly like Ringo, and everyone in the room went nuts.

Fast forward one week- despite Imagine- we had to fire the drummer because in general he was not too good- I had to lie and tell him an old friend was rejoining the band- but it had been a pleasure playing with him and know he'll get a new gig because there's "always a demand for good drummers."

I felt lousy doing the dirty work, being the hit man- worse about lying, and of course, he never responded. Now these guys don't want the keyboard player back because they think she's too ambitious (she's been playing hard to get and said that a lot of our songs were before her time)- it turns out she also knows a good drummer but this scares these guys even more- a team! (She plays a lot of Beatles but also- ugh, Journey, Culture Club, 80's hair bands).

I'd like to have her come back and jam with the us and our fill-in drummer who did the goig with us- who's fantastic- to see how we all fit at our best. Then try her friend the drummer afterwards...

These guys want to try a guy who used to play with us who's now on permanent disability- used to work for the state- and has been dry for just a few months. What scares me is that he's got problems beyond alcoholism, is probably on anti-psychotic meds, and even before he hit botton was incredibly unreliable. But these guys prefer trying him next week than anyone promising I've come up with advertising on Metroland online and other musician referral sites.

Meantime, I write music for.. myself? While we spent the summer doing the same 30-40 cover tunes over and over trying to break in that new drummer. We could've done an album instead!

So I'm hitting bottom.. there. And at work. My sister was in a play for the holidays- then again she was in a play while my mother was on her deathbed. My brother was gonna come in but his water heater burst. My Uncle Mark responds to nothing- not e-mails, cards- and, according to my brother- not phone messages. So it's sad- hmmm.. it's that time of year- methinks that's all surfacing again- this year seems to be a little worse than usual- lot of dreams, feeling more and more mortal.

Just got another cortisone shot, 2 days of useless physical therapy for my shoulder and back- maybe I have no choice but to join possibly JCC again or take up yoga- rigor mortis seems to be setting in...

I'm about to go to sleep because I'm too depressed to stay up, and during the week, I can't sleep to relax- I simply keel over after work.

Oh,yeah- the therapist sucks, too- and so does my dentist (why does he wait till I complain before he files down a filling he replaces?) and  his hygienist- she's like Olivier in Marathon Man- torturing me, randomly slicing gums without even asking for my social security number! I thought plaque was on your teeth!- she's playing tic-tac-toe on my gums! Maybe I caught her at a bad time!.... By the time I got out of there, I thought I'd need a blood transfusion! Or a hamburger...

I got stoned last night and nodded out while trying to watch a movie- then woke up and attempted to play guitar- it wasn't working for me. I did, however, uncharacteristically devour a bag of frito's. I was gonna shoot down a quart of pepsi but couldn't muster up the energy to get it out of the refrigerator...

Seriously, every once in a while I find I have to clean the slate, and, like you said- surrender. I'm tired of fighting the world- and myself. Right now, once again- I must assume I know nothing- and start over, one day at a time.

One thing I do know- you have to break the Pavlovian lure of the old behaviors- so do what you must- one day at a time- for as many days as you can- until the days turn to weeks, months, years- so that drinking, smoking, whatever- is not only not an option- which is a must- if it's an option it'll always win- ALWAYS- but is such a distant memory that the behavioral association is broken!

Everything we think is bullshit- AA, One Day at a Time- all the sayings- plus some good, honest, occasional painful counseling- is absolutely necessary to distract us from the devil. God alone, religion, spirituality has its place- and is a great comfort sober or not- but God helps those who help themselves- and I hate to admit it- but it's not "positive thinking" and a desire for a healthy life along with Love and prayer that keeps that shit out of reach- it's the absolute terror and Fear of going back there! The fear of the consequences, combined with eliminating the behavior and its connections that led to new confidence, clarity, strength, and coping mechanisms. (Sounds funny considering what I was bitching about earlier, but years ago I'd be drinking over this stuff, and I'm pretty sure I'll not only bounce back soon but, hey- fuck the band, y'know? They can self-destruct if they want- doesn't have to stop Me..)

I guess Life will always be a bitch, and some of my growing pains right now are the deeper realization that whatever bed you make you lie in. I don't have to worry about or be pained by most of the stuff I allow myself to... Bruce Lee's great line- "The Art of Fighting Without Fighting." Water goes with the flow, but rock erodes. No, sometimes "to thine own self be true" is an absolute necessity, though, also, sometimes you have to consider- "Would you rather be right or would you rather have peace?"

Sometimes they're both the same, and sometimes you have to be like the water. Choose your battles.

Prime directive- very powerful, and empowering- you take care of yourself. That resonates deep within. Why waste my energy trying to control anyone or anything else? It's always a temporary victory, if that. Sometimes I get sick and absolve myself of any negative thoughts about myself, or responsibilities- other than to rest and get well. It feels very soothing to know you're giving yourself a break. (Like Mama used to do. Hopefully. "Everyone's looking for a father," Dylan once said. Be your own Mama. Be your own Papa.)

Why do I have to get sick to do that? Do it all the time, and then you have more of yourself to give. When I feel sick, physically or otherwise, I'm like a cat hiding under the bed. When I'm better, I like to get out some...

Like we've heard a million times, you don't have to suffer more to change. When I told my therapist I wasn't the type to do all these stupid balloon exercises at home for my tendonitis or back- she said, "well, I guess it doesn't hurt enough yet."

Yes it does! Ofcourse it does! It hurts, and I don't Like it!

Where's that damn balloon?....

Keep trucking, don't give up. It aint easy, but it's worth it. I have some great days, some good days, some bad days, some days from hell.

It could be worse. I'm still shooting for better.... it happens.