TMZ cretins

She looks pretty good to me- normal, too. Guess these girls can't win- they get ridiculed for seeking attention and equally so for trying to "blend in" and lead a normal life. What is it about this particular photograph that prompts such abuse and nastiness? "Ugly?' You should be so lucky... At least she reads, and can probably spell, too- a rarity nowadays from what I can see. People must really despise themselves to be continuously monitoring the lives of celebrities and either living vicariously off of them or waiting for the first opportunity to knock them down. How about everyone taking a break and buying themselves a hand mirror- study That for a while, if you dare!

Another tattoo rant

She is an absolute idiot, brother's name or not. Why doesn't she get a tooth pulled while she's at it? If my sister made such an announcement to me, I'd tell her to go see a shrink. This is a rite pf passage? Getting a tattoo? How lovely! What a sick culture. How anyone of any age anywhere thinks these things are attractive is totally beyond me! Why not burn or brand yourself, or try to inflict a scar in the shape of something that's "meaningful" to you? Ugh!

Lost

Crystal quit the band. How could she- I encouraged her, let her hear my originals- we all gave her reinforcement- and are good. Aren't we? Anne's on my case about being on the computer, not cleaning garage, worried I don't want to return to work. I am entering a depression at a bad time- making all and any of these things and others more difficult.

Thanksgiving's over. Life goes on at BCSD and everywhere else. I went to Binghamton and Oneonta looking for.. something. Most of it is gone. It's the past. Where are we going? More behind me than in front of me, I fear. This is why I stopped the world and got off- to clean the garage?.... "Clean clutter?" I'm fucking starving for stimulation and creativity.

Hilary Clinton

It is not arrogance, but a refusal to consider defeat or failure. Muhammed Ali refused to be beaten, as he was The Greatest. He usually wasn't (beaten).

It is beyond thinking positively- it is the visualization of success and victory she is drawing upon to persevere. Look what she's up against? A lot of snotty sexists, for one thing.

10.26.07

Just for the record- once again, I got sick for the anniversary (mother's death). It wasn't ON Friday, but the day before. Still, if I had been working, it would've once again started off as a mental health day that turned out to be a Sick Day after all. Amazing. Think that's every year so far....

Debate

Did I miss something? I thought I heard Obama agree with Hillary over licenses after declaring he didn't understand her response. I think part of the problem for the Clintons has always been that, in addition to being politicians, they refuse to see or express things in black and white. And the dummies out there consider this pandering. Obama makes me sleepy, though last night was the best I've seen him. I like Biden- he's not "presidential," but he may be the most qualified one up there! And yes, I 've always loved Russert, but rather than coming off as relentlessly doing his job- seems to me he's obsessed with trapping Hillary Clinton rather than being objective- others got away with not answering "yes or no" questions- not her. Tim- you want a Republican in there?!?

Bloggin the Emmys

I get it now. We all watch, comment, blog, pontificate, critique in desperate hopes of somehow, somewhere, having our own 15 minutes while feeling superior to everyone else. Since I too have fallen into this trap, I will now shut up and sign off- and get back to my life.

Shrinks and drugs

I had two shrink appointments this week- I keep thinking, if "what you focus on expands," then why the hell am I spending so much time talking and thinking about my problems?

Well, I guess the message I keep getting is to do drugs (Now they tell me) and don't think.

Actually, exercise will take care of both...

I just read the following:

"Serotonin is one of the big three neurotransmitters responsible for depression, along with norepinephrine and dopamine.  My wild-ass guess / rule of thumb is that imbalances of one or more of the three are responsible for 80% of the depression issues.  It's all just a matter of figuring out exactly the extent of the tweaking and what neurotransmitters you exactly need to tweak."

It's both frustrating and reassuring that some of this is actually biological, though still embarrassing. I find it easier to tell people I have colitis than depression or anxiety disorder.

"Yeah, man, I'm cool- I just spend a lot of time on the toilet having diarrhea..."

So I've been walking at the malls, was at Cape Cod for a couple of days, hit the ocean, walked the streets- band practice was the most therapeutic.

The doc-shrink wants me to up my Lexapro another quarter of a tablet. Still taking clonopin.

From what I keep hearing, it takes a while to find the right drug combo and then adapt to it... also, that's also just part of the picture. The shrink told me "one size does not fit all," though my uncle is now presently telling me to take what he takes, do what he does.  (Take drugs and leave nasty phone messages.)

I guess Lexapro is supposed to have some of the fewest side effects- though my sister does well with Wellbutrin and an ADD drug...

It's difficult.... you try to get a handle on all this stuff yourself, but that doesn't guarantee that the rest of the planet is gonna cooperate with you.... I feel like wearing a billboard saying "Please- I'm trying to restore myself to sanity- don't upset me!"

Sometimes "it gets worse before it gets better...."

Then tomorrow's Another day... Oy!

The Medium contest dream

It was 1991, and my father had just passed away. I had a dream in which I was walking in a mall, and there on the other side, walking in the same direction, was my father. He looked 20 years younger, or as I'd supposed he'd preferred to appear, and we each stepped on parallel, adjoining escalators, going up. The entire time my father looked at me, unsmiling, but reassuringly. I got off at the next level, but my father's escalator kept going, as he continued to give me that look. When I awoke, I felt as if he had just given me this message- "Don't worry, it's OK."

Hypochondria

Just a quick preview:
1) HS- I thought I had BPH
2) I had scurvy, every disease in Mark's med books
3) Bubby died- and I was mortal.
4) Ira died, and I thought I was going to.
5) I thought I was sick- Helen talked me out of it.
6) Panic attacks with Wellbutrin
7) Panic attacks- did gig.
8) Job goes up in smoke- meltdown, burnout, what else?- hypochondria attack.

Like 2 years ago, walking up hill or stairs will involve some "shortness of breath"- that continues or increases rather than leaves due to fear. Instead, it grows. A week or two ago, and still some moments today, there are times when lungs don't feel right at rest. I had chest x-ray and echocardiogram 2 years ago. Panic subsided. Blood tests just taken. We'll compare notes with remicade, test resyults, all the meds and doctors. Meantime, exercise. When did this happen? Uh... after I left job. When last time? Uh.. after DWI.. When before thaat? Uh.. after I left job... Daddy sick... always guilt- as well as stress. Huge guilt. Dump the guilt. Calm down. Get in shape. Believe. More next time......

Tattoos

I personally am nauseated by the sight of even a single tattoo on someone's body, and feel that only a clueless, self-destructive worthless moron would be interested in such a thing. Not to attack anyone- it's just something way, way beyond my comprehension. It makes as much sense to me as painting your teeth black or surgically removing parts of your body instead of "decorating" it. Ugh. Grow up, 21st Century American culture- or get back to where you once belonged!

More crap

Hi-

I don't think Ryan has any Novell experience- I think he was running OS X server. Was he ever asked why he left that job? And the one before it?

Thanks again for nuking the Blackberry..  

Funny, come to think of it, Chris Brown was like that with the eye contact even outside an interview.. Lynn's argument about Applecare is ridiculous. He could order parts but we'd still have to pay for them. (I'd also mentioned in that last e-mail to Mac that as long as he was offering training, I would've loved to take the Apple certification classes at Rhinecliff- then I too could've ordered out-of-warranteed parts.)

It seemed obvious to me after hearing the list of tests Lynn's son had already undergone that the problem was most likely psychogenic. I mean, I would think that MRI's, CATScans, X-Rays, etc. would show something. Either that or he's simply fibbing- but sounds like the doctors are ruling out the physical. Is she actually disappointed by this?

Well, Tony Soprano may or may not have been "whacked," but I sure feel like I have (I've never seen that show, actually- I'll have to check out the DVD's).

I can't make sense out of that place- maybe I'm better off that way. Actually, speaking of depression, my doctor wondered if I ever felt that way, and I told her I couldn't be sure- I was too burnt and exhausted from the work frustration and anxiety, in addition to the colitis!

My sister and uncle have struggled with depression for years, and my next doctor's visit will be a complete physical in addition to evaluating how I'm feeling after the rest and break from the Madhouse.

Like I said, I'm definitely getting some rest, but not quite good as new after a few days off- still exhausted and my stomach is still unhappy.

So I guess I'm lucky the budget passed- I could've kept going till I literally dropped. I'm glad it all came to a head, and my doctor verified not only what I knew but what I didn't know, so I don't have to feel so guilty!

I e-mailed Steve to touch base with him and give him an idea what's going on with me, plus, since he's out in the schools, to convey to anyone who might ask, my regret for not being able to hang in there another few weeks- but the doc said "no." Also, that I'd be at this e-mail address.

You are lucky to get that break on Fridays- plus, it sounds like much more than a break.


Mitch

Letter to Steve

Hi, Steve-

Hope things aren't Too hectic...

I went to the doctor to get checked out and hadn't anticipated not being allowed to work due to my ulcerative colitis, and the effect it and recent developments at work had on me both physically and otherwise.

I had written an e-mail to Mac, as you'd suggested, so did my wife- telling him how I felt about certain things, plus my thoughts and suggestions for the future, including summer projects. Things I was hoping to do with the next images, etc.

I also suggested that since you and I have worked well together, I felt that with your getting a bit more involved in Macs if you wished- with some training and workshops as we'd gone to at NERIC, we'd have sufficient Mac backup if any new person could provide a backup to not only me but others- that I agreed, and felt strongly there should be Mac support if I were out sick or on vacation. But we didn't need a "clone" of me- there's a lot of other stuff to go around for an entry-level position.

I also mentioned that of all the candidates whose resumes, e-mails, and applications I saw, the only one I had something negative to say about was Ryan Faas, based on past experience.

To my shock and horror, Mac went after him, called him, scheduled an interview- and last I heard from Melinda- was offered the job.

I don't know what to make out of that, and maybe I don't want to think about that too much. What also surprised me was that from the get-go, Ryan had initially written to Mac that he wasn't sure about full-time due to all his other commitments. But he'd "bake some cookies" for him if he were offered something part-time. O-kaay...

I had told both Mac and Lynn that I did not like him as a candidate, and wrote so as part of my comments on my first and last day on the "interview committee."

Mac did not like my e-mail in general and seemed to totally misunderstand parts of it. I was trying to be completely honest in one last-ditch attempt to take a  big load off my mind. This included mentioning how many users feel about approaching the help desk. I felt it was a responsibility to bring that to his attention, not only because it bothered me. He thought I was "attacking" because I "felt attacked."

No, I was just getting carried away telling the truth.

So I am trying to get my health back, will be seen by my primary physician in a month, trying not to think too much aboutBCSD. I feel bad I couldn't be there till at least the end of June to provide Mac support, and please pass that on to any users who may be asking about my absense. I miss supporting them and doing my job- as you can imagine, there are other things about going into work that I surely do not miss at all.

(Another surprise was that even though I am out on "medical leave," Mac asked for my keys, laptop, drives, documentation- all of which I had my wife bring in for me.)

At the moment, I'm taking it a day at a time till my next doctor's appointment. I sure am sleeping a lot, and I'm hoping my stomach calms down soon. I thought I'd be a "new man" after a couple of days off, but apparently not the case.

Hope it doesn't get too rough out there- keep me posted, but, since I don't plan on checking my BCSD mailbox if I can help it, I can be reached at auramac@aol.com.

Mitch

closures

Hi-

Just finished gathering up documentation, CD's, firewire drives, MacBook Pro- grab it! ... Mac asked for all this- including Blackberry and images I'd used (would need new ones for new Macs- including the laptop) and all keys I had! He's either sure I'm not coming back or afraid I'll drop dead. (After he hires Ryan.)

The images are on the laptop (password: admin, as are they all) and firewire drives. You boot from the drive and use Carbon Copy Cloner to clone new and/or restore hard drive images (documentation at their website). The process is much, much faster than you'd think.

Anne is bringing the stuff to the high school- I'm not going near the place. I'd rather go to Iraq.

I've been sleeping a lot, which I definitely needed, but was surprised how hard I'd crashed from all the cumulative stuff I've been going through. The shock wears off and you discover you feel sicker than you'd realized while you were a moving target.

I'm not surprised the interview process was a farce- so is pretty much any meeting there... Did Lynn lick Ryan too? Did she scare Chris off? "Takes a-lickin'- keeps on a-whippin.."

From the sound of it, if I had to choose- your picks seem like the right ones. I don't want to read too much into what it says about Mac's seeking out and then hiring a guy who's not sure he could do full-time and who I'd described to him as a potentially nightmarish situation, based on previous experience. That'll sure get me wanna come back, right!

Then again, I've seen Ryan be a lap dog to Mac, even willing to lick Citrix- and his experience fits with the Mac-Lynn Orwellian Dream for the district. Control, control, control. Cookie-cutter Fort Knoxes. I hope he isn't picked. Or he is and then crashes and burns- immediately. It's a full-time job. He'll scare the kids, too, which is truly sad..

Nancy Smith e-mailed me about getting an Airport at ELS cafeteria- I gave her specs but mentioned I was on medical leave, to contact help desk. She freaked out and apologized profusely about bothering me- I assured her it was no problem, I was enjoying resting but missed answering questions and helping out, etc. It's too bad I couldn't just go to work, pick a school, walk the halls- get stopped and help people without ever having to "check in" with Lynn or go to a meeting. That would be an entirely different job!

It was both the nurse and doctor who nixed any idea of my doing two weeks and then taking a break. They wouldn't "release" me to work that day! Very wise decision.

I had a dream I was trying to fix my late mother's car- I just stuck in a tape and it self-repaired. My mother then happily drove off in it, singing, leaving me to think- "I should've driven that car more often.."

I have absolutely no idea what that dream meant but it sounds good to me!...

Keep me posted- when you do hopefully have "The Discussion," remember- you'll most likely be the only one in the room making sense!

Hi Mitch,

I hope you are feeling better.

Note to self: next time there is an opportunity to be
on an interview committee involving Lynn, remind
yourself that it will be an enormous waste of time.  I
rarely get to use the term farce in a sentence, so I
am going to do it now; that was a farce.

We have not had the Discussion (you know with Lynn we
always have to have a discussion), but I would bet my
last dollar that the job will be offered to Ryan Fass.
  Mac called him to tell him about the job and wanted
him to interview; you and I both know it's a done
deal.  I would laugh if Ryan declined.

We did interview two bright, fresh-out-of-college kids
that I thought would have been terrific. One kid has a
Mac at home and worked in the college Mac lab.  Stay
tuned.

I miss you,

Melinda

closures

Hi-

Just finished gathering up documentation, CD's, firewire drives, MacBook Pro- grab it! ... Mac asked for all this- including Blackberry and images I'd used (would need new ones for new Macs- including the laptop) and all keys I had! He's either sure I'm not coming back or afraid I'll drop dead. (After he hires Ryan.)

The images are on the laptop (password: admin, as are they all) and firewire drives. You boot from the drive and use Carbon Copy Cloner to clone new and/or restore hard drive images (documentation at their website). The process is much, much faster than you'd think.

Anne is bringing the stuff to the high school- I'm not going near the place. I'd rather go to Iraq.

I've been sleeping a lot, which I definitely needed, but was surprised how hard I'd crashed from all the cumulative stuff I've been going through. The shock wears off and you discover you feel sicker than you'd realized while you were a moving target.

I'm not surprised the interview process was a farce- so is pretty much any meeting there... Did Lynn lick Ryan too? Did she scare Chris off? "Takes a-lickin'- keeps on a-whippin.."

From the sound of it, if I had to choose- your picks seem like the right ones. I don't want to read too much into what it says about Mac's seeking out and then hiring a guy who's not sure he could do full-time and who I'd described to him as a potentially nightmarish situation, based on previous experience. That'll sure get me wanna come back, right!

Then again, I've seen Ryan be a lap dog to Mac, even willing to lick Citrix- and his experience fits with the Mac-Lynn Orwellian Dream for the district. Control, control, control. Cookie-cutter Fort Knoxes. I hope he isn't picked. Or he is and then crashes and burns- immediately. It's a full-time job. He'll scare the kids, too, which is truly sad..

Nancy Smith e-mailed me about getting an Airport at ELS cafeteria- I gave her specs but mentioned I was on medical leave, to contact help desk. She freaked out and apologized profusely about bothering me- I assured her it was no problem, I was enjoying resting but missed answering questions and helping out, etc. It's too bad I couldn't just go to work, pick a school, walk the halls- get stopped and help people without ever having to "check in" with Lynn or go to a meeting. That would be an entirely different job!

It was both the nurse and doctor who nixed any idea of my doing two weeks and then taking a break. They wouldn't "release" me to work that day! Very wise decision.

I had a dream I was trying to fix my late mother's car- I just stuck in a tape and it self-repaired. My mother then happily drove off in it, singing, leaving me to think- "I should've driven that car more often.."

I have absolutely no idea what that dream meant but it sounds good to me!...

Keep me posted- when you do hopefully have "The Discussion," remember- you'll most likely be the only one in the room making sense!

Hi Mitch,

I hope you are feeling better.

Note to self: next time there is an opportunity to be
on an interview committee involving Lynn, remind
yourself that it will be an enormous waste of time.  I
rarely get to use the term farce in a sentence, so I
am going to do it now; that was a farce.

We have not had the Discussion (you know with Lynn we
always have to have a discussion), but I would bet my
last dollar that the job will be offered to Ryan Fass.
  Mac called him to tell him about the job and wanted
him to interview; you and I both know it's a done
deal.  I would laugh if Ryan declined.

We did interview two bright, fresh-out-of-college kids
that I thought would have been terrific. One kid has a
Mac at home and worked in the college Mac lab.  Stay
tuned.

I miss you,

Melinda

sucks

Spilled my guts out like a cracked skull- the e-mail to my boss goes out tomorrow morning, after I call in sick. Gave 'im a piece of my mind.... maybe too much, it's painful and exhausting to let all that out.. downright embarrassing, too... If I could flick a switch the job would be over, never to return, and I'd be regrouping. It was a last gasp, last-ditch attempt to retain the dignity that goes with my position and not be demoted to a grey suit.... they're hiring a new person and there are two shmucks and a truly evil bitch I'm working with... my allies are cowards, so it's up to me to literally rock the Apple cart.. but war is hell and I wanna go/stay home. I'm on ambien but this time it isn't enough- I actually want a fucking drink! Do they still make cigarettes?.....Is there a way to blow your brains out without getting hurt or dying?

Well, I'll just sleep it off... but I hope to leave the job and I surely need a Nixonian gap in the tape before the next one..

Well, not exactly. I'm in a creative hell again- use it or it'll get you in the end. I just wanna write songs for a while, and sleep most of the days till I'm not sick and tired of being sick and tired anymore.

The band too makes me sick. Weird, though- from the little I've heard from them lately- my brother and sister too are going through unspecified hell.. I can relate-  ya don't even wanna vent anymore!

Yeah, fuck the band, fuck the therapist.... I am no longer susceptable to her Reality Distortion Field. In other words, she's full of crap. Nice woman, very supportive, but she does nothing for me!

Maybe I should find one who prescribes drugs, or look up the old bastard who abandoned me and left counseling to see the world. That bastard gave me light-bulb moments when he wasn't laughing his ass off at me!

Hope you're doing better...

(Shit! Even if I win I'm too wiped out to leave the house!)

Quote

“Seclusion is something to be cherished but used, and isolation is to be avoided like the plague.” --Steven Bach

iWoz review:

Wozniak offers his advice on what it takes to be a great engineer: Don't waver; see things in grayscale; work alone; follow your instincts. His thoughts on these matters are worth a look. Keep in mind that he's telling you about his way, which jibes with his personal style. There's no one right way.

Meltdowns

Stevie Nicks was on TV talking about how she became an addict and losing herself while taking- clonopin! Clonopin?!? That's what I'm on! It's prescribed! I thought she did mostly cocaine! Maybe I should go to Betty Ford now...

The drunk, shmuck, rhythm guitar player actually quit finally, so I was about to bring my guitars and songs into the mix, as requested- but they decided they want to fill the hole with a husband-wife team who supposedly have connections for gigs- the guy's supposedly a decent guitar player, but his wife sang with us once and I remember her as.. sucking. Sounded like an old white woman.

Mostly, it's apparent that these guys aren't interested in creativity or art- they wanna play it safe for a bunch of drunks in a series of bars. Even the lead guitar player, who I've been swapping original recordings with, seems to want to be a "guitar hero" rather than doing self-expression or collaborate on something new and different.

So I have the option of just accepting the band as it is- an outlet just for singing and rocking out- and reserving the original stuff just for myself or another project or group of people.

Right now, I'm inclined to quit both the band and the job. And the shrink. And anything else not helping me be where I wanna be. Wherever that is. It sure can't be this!

("Surely not to live in pain and fear...")

These bottoms and meltdowns might be good for us- otherwise, we could tend to accept the status quo. Much easier than change. Though the turmoil is no picnic!

The "I don't give a fucks," I was told once, are a big threat to one's sobriety, which I can understand. Maybe it's also the first step to detachment, which can lead to freedom, dropping out- then back in. A break or rest.

I'm just going through a whole lot of acceptances lately because I'm too disillusioned to feel anything else. I can't go numb, or take any medication- so I'm in survival mode.

This all sounds very depressing but right now any rest or a break is good enough. It actually feels good to know that I don't fear losing either the band or job, for example. What is surprising is that I'm even optimistic about it all. I've survived worse! In fact, I almost welcome it! ("Too Much Compromise," the title of a song I wrote decades ago, sums it all up.)

I'm also hoping to take some advice (exercise, better rest and diet) and look into things my therapist might be overlooking. I think sometimesit's everything we think it is- hope that doesn't sound too depressing- anxiety And depression And fatique And sleep deprivation And external factors And hormones.... yeah, just because one is paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you....

And "they're" the ones who Really need the help!

Rambling, and I'm not even on ambien yet.

Norah Jones' new album got mediocre reviews because it's supposedly just more of the same, and some people call her "Snorah Jones." But it was just what the doctor ordered, listening to it the other night. Calmed the soul. The power of music. Why it's 90% TV and 10% music for me right now I have no idea.

Sean Lennon, too, is another one. When I first heard him sing, I figured that no matter how great any song or record of his might be, I wouldn't be able to get into it because of his voice- and that it sounds nothing like his father's. But his latest album is great, the companion DVD reminds me of the old John and Yoko videos, and I should be at the Egg tonight seeing him! Damn!

But, yes, the album grows on you- so it's something worth getting and then hearing more than once.

The Cliff's Notes Version

Maybe it's all very simple:

My job sucks because I'm not my own boss, "I'm surrounded by idiots (-Jack Sternbach, 1919-91)," Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow, One Day at a Time- To Thine Own Self Be True, Take Care of Yourself and Get Plenty of Rest.

(And, in the end, the Love You Take is Equal to the Love You Make.)

We all shine on.

Mess

Especially if (since?..) there are no coincidences, then there's that option to consider- the truth is out there, if I let it find me. That is, I've always been afraid of buying into any negative/fearful viewpoint imposed  upon me by others. I find this a terrifying world, though, and I can't believe that good people are either being punished or suffer or die because they are unenlightened.

I find your advice or comments more "therapeutic" than what I remember or translate from my therapist's- you are right, I have to consider my own reality ("Don't follow leaders, watch the parking meters"), and the "conventional wisdom" is to accept my job as it is while looking for another- which is a full-time job in itself. "Here comes the new boss, same as the old boss.." I hadn't considered until you'd mentioned it that I might be setting myself up by looking for the same job, the same boss, the same trap, with the same resume and the same value system- "Gotta woik! Gotta bring in the bacon!"

I just bought a fantastic capo for my guitar yesterday, cost $40, out of the question with no job and a budget. Just a tiny example of the fear of losing- freedom?...

But I have always hated authority. I always will. I can set my alarm and get up every morning for 50 years, but I will always feel better staying up and sleeping later. These jobs, where I end up feeling dehumanized after attempted castrations on the part of the systems I work for- cost me far more than I earn.

I have to look back in wonder that I am as successful as I am, in fact at all- despite all this. I'm good at my job. But I'm not a company man, a yes man, an assembly line man, a boss's man, anybody's man- I'm too fucking stubborn.

I've always felt I had a specific destiny, like everyone- but not since my childhood or in a long while at lest have I given it much thought what it was supposed to be.

I do know that going from A to B may take you to something other than C- which is a Good thing if it's The right thing. Or A right thing.

I am fed up with the whole thing, including my own words and thoughts- meaning, I am tired, but it's mostly- empty what's left in the coffee cup so you can fill it up again.

I've got 1000 different reactions and emotions and a mess of pollution in the cup- and I'm not sure I'm seeing too clearly yet. But things are clearer than they were last week. Things sufaced. Yes, I had a meltdown. But there was a reason. I've taken a few days off from work to recover from the physical and emotional effects of the meltdown- also trying to detach  at least mentally from the trap.

I'm not so egotistical or self-involved to think that only I go through these or a million other struggles on a daily basis, but I have to solve my own mess before I disappear.

The network administrator at work says she's going through the same issues, but I'm not sure they're exactly the same, and she sure hasn't hit bottom- I think she's one of those people who just "settle" and then live meaningless lives interspersed with a bit of entertainment or escapism.

I still feel like I'm babbling- that's what I mean about wiping the slate. Is this anxiety, compulsion, caffeine, or the truth talking?

In other words- have I presently become "Sturgeon's Law"- 95% bullshit?

And I too now doubt myself- am I self-destructive or too real to fit?

No, I missed Lucinda- did you see her? I liked some of her album- but haven't played it since... Too much noise already in my head. The thought of having some time just to clear out the clutter and see a new light is exhilirating. What songs or drawings are in me? I don't know- I'm not there yet...

Interesting- my music/computer/art/private room looks just like my head- a cluttered mess!

("But I know where everything is!")

Modern times

Star Jones and Donald Trump should have a threesome with Heather Mills in a hot tub filled with my vomit.

Posted at 3:54PM on Mar 16th 2007 by auramac

Ask Mrs. Jeeves

How about "Paperback Riders?"

Or, Mrs. Rick Drops Off The Kids And Goes Shopping..

Well, as my wife agrees, and I discovered a long time ago- even family get-togethers you may look forward to, like certain holidays, are not to be confused with vacations! This trip is gonna be difficult because her uncle (who is a great guy) is sick and very old, and her brother is a pain in the butt. My face will hurt from trying all weekend to look like I'm smiling!

I'm sure she'll be taking the day off from work Monday- I would, too if I had enough time...

I'll have to check out Drome Sound- it was depressing last I looked, but I didn't check out any prices. It was the only place I could get a decent deal on renting two monitors for the last gig, though... Guitar Center doesn't do rentals, and Daddy's Junky is getting junkier..



that's why i got so pissed at rick cause i knew he had nothing to do except give joann give the wknd.off those 2 drunken invalids are useless!...now you have a valid family commitment(i'm sure its no picnic driving to roch. for sick uncle) good luck........i'm sure rick will practice hard during our break! ha!ha! went to drome sound last sat. with russ...new location about the size of a pizza shop...the prices cant be beat(maybe they had that recorder thing you just bought?)...example: epiphone "les paul plus top" beautiful flame top for 369$ musician friend has the same guitar for about 500$ i'm gonna buy one for my son for his birthday(he is 10x better than rick, he reads guitar tab. and plays every nite) i'm starting to think anyone is better than rick ..oh yeah ,i'm commin out of my recording slump...been puttin some good stuff on tape......i'm gonna name one inst. "bob the taxi driver"...

Don't Look Back

I first saw this film the year it was originally released, and it remains one of the most fascinating and life-altering events in my life. The Bob Dylan of 1965-66 was a white-hot supernova that no one would ever touch, including himself. This is a portrait of a sensitive, young genius, who, try as he may, found that having fun or joking through the inanity and misunderstanding that frequently surrounded him quickly gave way to irritation, frustration, sarcasm, and even cruelty. It is easy to see why. I agree that it's sad that this perfect icon of poetry and rebellion existed for such a short, though still eternal, time. Dylan's artistry today remains intact, but in a different form. You could not invent a character in fiction more interesting or inspiring. What a great film! What a great time. As Al Aranowitz, the late, great rock critic once said- "Dylan was (is) the Heavyweight Champion of the World."

Capt. America

Interesting debate that mirrors where we are in America today- security or freedom? Can't we have both?... One of the greatest comics ever created was Avengers #4 in which Stan Lee and Jack Kirby brought back Steve Rogers aka Captain America by thawing him out. It's not just the costume- it's the man! it's not just the symbolism- I lost interest in Green Lantern when Hal Jordan was replaced by a "new" contempory guy wearing his costume. Same for Barry Allen's Flash, though that too had happened before. Someone other than Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent? Out of the question. No, the problem is a creative one- this new crop of comic writers and artists have run out of ideas. And we're all numb- so we have to be shocked into caring about things or buying comics. How about taking what you've got, what's gone before, and using a little talent? What's next- replacing the flag? How about a "new, improved, edgy" constitution? Don't get me wrong- in most areas I'm a complete radical. But traditions matter. Bring back Captain America! But you must also- bring back Steve Rogers, too! No substitutions allowed!

Beyonce and Hoodliham

Hudson can sing, but she's got Star Jones' personality (and pre-lipo shape, not that there's anything wrong with that- except health-wise and aesthetically). She's "deth-pickable!"
Beyonce is like Avis- tried harder- not becoming. Diana Ross peaked when she deferred to the songs and the songwriters- as a solo artist, it was all downhill. Baby Love blows Touch Me in the morning or any other single song in her career out of the universe. Flo was great- but the Supremes was magical as it was. Flo should've cut a solo album, and received the support and encouragement for doing so, than die. But her role in the Supremes was perfect. The Beatles' background vocals too were awe-inspiring. Beyonka and Hoodlison are not in any of their leagues.

Music man

My wife said the same thing- Rick is in effect running the band. And he sucks. In a "passive=aggressive" way- what he (and Bob by association) are doing is trying to get us to go back to Bob's so they can drink or smoke as much as they want. The 4:30 cut-off makes no sense- neither does Rick's continuously saying time goes by so much faster at Greg's. It doesn't go any faster- there's just less of it! D-uh! 4:30 is earlier than 5 or 6!

I don't wanna rock the boat, either- yet- but my wife said I should bring my guitar and ask Rick when he's leaving because the rest of us figured we'd work on some originals when he (they) left. My wife said they wouldn't be leaving at 4:30 again after that.

Of course, I vented further on the subject- pissed that the rules seem to be that this band is dictated to by Rick- when we play, when we stop- and the subtle suggestion from this band that there is no need for me to play any guitar at all whatsoever at any point- acoustic or electric, or even think about doing any originals. Maybe one. Some day.

This absolutely infuriates and frustrates the hell out of me- I'm gonna die someday after spending years playing the same cover shit- over and over again? I don't sit around the house singing cover tunes off of a piece of paper with my hands in my pocket- I'm singing and playing whatever music is in me at the moment. With any instrument I can get my hands on- usually guitar.

My wife agreed that yes, there's value in what I'm doing with this band- but I have to own most of this myself. It's my own fault. She doesn't understand why you and I put up with the Rick-Bob straightjacket, and she mainly doesn't understand why I allow myself to be squelched-  even my ex-wife tells me it's my own fault I'm not in a situation where I am being creative- even if it had to be by myself. I like being in a band- but the irony is that I fight against the same politics at work- fear and conservatism- and way back when- no one told me when or what to draw, write, sing, play, etc. Not my parents, not my teachers, bosses, friends- nobody. What the hell happened to me? I sold (or wimped) out! "It's a secret- I'm a songwriter." I write songs. Totally separate from that- I sing cover tunes in a band that mostly other people agree upon. Even if I like them- it was usually somebody else's idea.

"Take it easyyyyy..."

I knew it- I studied the vocals and verified Rick's been playing the wrong chords.  Whata piece of crap that is- we'd be better off playing Freebird.

(Sorry for the venting... however, it kills me knowing my best stuff is actually never seen or heard nowadays, and I'm having a tough time with that. Not just "original" stuff- the authentic, meaningful stuff. "Take it Easy." Ugh.)

Of course, I don't have to replace the band with the "real stuff"- but I sure as hell have to start doing it, even if it's a separate, side trip, or I'll hate myself. Gettin' tired of making excuses to my wife, ex-wife- and self. (It's not just music- it's also drawing, writing, all the stuff I always used to do to please no one other than myself.)

On a somewhat unrelated note- since we've been playing at Greg's I find I rarely get hoarse or feel ill after practice- thanks to the no-smoking zone!

iPhone spoof on AOL

I get that it's a spoof, a joke, topical, etc. It's a one-joke joke,
however, and I'm not exactly laughing my a** off. It's neither risque
nor tame- just "eh." Or, as I used to say when I was a kid: "eh-eh."
In the words of Bob Dylan, though- "What else can you show me?"

Big deal.

Eh. Eh-eh.

Another Studio 60 post

I'm a college graduate, lifelong student. I find the show so far has been a perfect balance between stimulation and escapism. I like intelligent writing, good acting, great characterizations and happy endings, most of the time. Occasionally I don't mind watching something brilliant that bums me out. Most of what I find on TV, especially the so-called "reality shows"- is beyond depressing. It's pretty bad when CNN and MSNBC are more effective as white noise than "The Apprentice" and its ilk. I watch Studio 60, Medium, ER, and Monk. And Conan, and Dave. (Not Too stuffy- is it?..) Still watch SNL, though I have absolutely no idea why- it's like you just know a bus is gonna show up eventually- and you keep standing there at the stop, thinking "just 5 more minutes.." Hours later- still no bus. Months, maybe years later- "hey- this show still sucks!" But every great once in a while- it has its moments. Maybe not in a row, but two or three, here and there... Can't remember the last one- but it was such a surprise I nearly projectile-laughed my lungs out through my mouth.

Studio 60

Sorry- the Harriet relationship is the heart of the show for me, and without it, I doubt I'd watch every week. It's the "must-see" part of the show, and I simply don't understand any complaints regarding her character and the story line. There are people who watch the show who love the show as it is, not because of who created it, not to see if it's going to be a train wreck (in thewir own minds)... There are many of these people, I am one of them- the rest of you can watch more conventional fare, and I hope you're happy and satisfied when this show is gone. No wonder I watch less and less TV nowadays, listen to less and less new music... The news- well, now everything is tabloid, and all TV will soon be "reality." Jerry Springer has finally taken over the world without running for office!

Britney's meltdown

Anyone thinking that ...

Anyone thinking that this is anything other than a grotesque, pathetic meltdown is already in their own trailor park toilet. You don't need pills to OD- and her drinking alone, as well as the self-destructive course she is on, will make her the next Anna Nicole. Those kids should be far removed from her. And, sorry, folks- tattoos are not art- but a visual representation of an utter disdain for one's self and creation, an egomaniacal display of an attempt to be one's own God. And fn-ugly! auramac on 02/18/2007 11:18AM

Please

Please, please, God- let her be pregnant tomorrow. Let us be pregnant and have a healthy, happy, miracle baby. It must happen because we both so badly want and need it. It is meant to be- surely,she doesn't deserve to be so hurt. Please, God, it's in your hands. I have no idea what to do if it doesn't happen. It'll be like a death... a big, multiple death.... We're waiting for the good news. i don't want to see Anne's heart broken- is it any wonder my intestines are turning inside out. Ah, I was so scared, in denial, even when I always knew I wanted it- now I know, I know, I know!!!! Please, God. We're waiting. Can she/he come in?... Please?

snow

The dude plowed, but I still had to brush a few tons of snow off the car, shovel a thin path to it.. then figured I'd probably just die. Not that long ago, you quit when you were tired- in other words, done. You did it, then bitched. But you did it without thinking. Or dying.

I prefer "out of shape" to "old.." shit, I'll be 96, lift a shovel, gasp for air and fall down, mumbling that I shoulda renewed my JCC membership. Yeah, and that frozen shoulder still stands up in the air because I once again neglected to do my exercises. If Anne doesn't bitch to me about it, I'll probably just kick myself.

"See?- use it or lose it, ya lazy bastard!"

I must be a lazy, out-of-shape bastard- not up to my usual superhuman performance of wiping out all snow that fell anywhere on or near my driveway, watching it part like a white sea as I walked amongst it deciding where to throw each shovelful. ("But I just Walked there!..."  "So what, let's not get anal about it..")

Well, at least I got the car door open. Turned on the heat. Made the stuff on the windows melt. The snow that fell from my coat, now on my car's floor, will remain solid till spring. Every day till then, I'll be sitting and stepping in the shit- the Snow that followed me. The Snow that doesn't melt. Even when the ground is totally sweeped and shiny, those snow piles will sit beside me and go wherever I go.

Beats the heat and humidity, though.... but hell- no way was I gonna make it into work today!

Too.. much like... winter.

Howard K's tears?

Your comments:
I don't know, and I don't think anyone else does, either. Blogs is not
the news. It's certainly not necessarily the Truth. What we do know is
that Anna loved her baby, her son, and Howard K. Stern. We know that
she hated her mother, had not been face-to-face with her "sister" for
10 years. Zza Zza Gabor's husband? We know that he either has
alzheimer's, has a flair for "sick comedy," and undoubtedly wears
Depends, if he can go at all... Crocodile tears?- The Brickhead dude
who claims to be the father and "cries" over his daughter- now That's
acting!

RS's "Best and Worst Cover Tunes"

My post:

auramac | 2/9/2007, 7:45 pm EST

Some good choices here- Hendrix, Sinead, Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”- but G & R doing Dylan or pretty much anything else by them is a good thing to listen to if I ever need to quickly empty my stomach.

passwords

I couldn't add an entry to this in Firefox or Safari- so I tried to log in, ended up not creating or recreating password for this but losing my10-year password for my screen name! Long, long, long story short- was on phone with AOL tech support, and even tried changing back on iBook with OS 9. No dice- end of an era. I now have a *&^%#?!! 6-digit alphanumeric password.

New "Guitar gods"

They just don't move me. I know you can't reinvent the wheel, but real guitar gods did their best work in a more inspired context. These are less innocent, but much shallower times. Soul moves. What happened to it? It used to fuel the "performance." Now the performance is the act. And it's toilet paper.

Oy

Hope you're doing well- hell, if I were chain-smoking and shooting down shots and snorting powder right now, I probably wouldn't feel that much different..

Well, maybe so- but it's been so long.....

It's spiritual awakening time: he not busy being born is busy dying. I'm changing clothes, shedding skins. I just hope I survive the week at work. I would love to not just quit- but retire now. Put on a little hat, bend over and pretend to walk with a limp- no workee for me, no!

I feel like I'm working for Bush and I'm the only one there who's not Cheney. I'm the only general who wants to get out of Iraq- so therefore, he better find another general.

Long story short- I need a break, a change, a vacation, a sabbatical, a trip..

I gotta get out of this place (my head- or, the job would be a nice place to start). I gotta get the job out of my head, my place- the people, the boss.. gotta get the news, the Rosie- Trump towers, Britney and Paris and all the rest- outta there. I had to turn off the TV. For once- I embrace silence. And sleep. And dreams- even the bad ones- better than going to work! Oh- it's the same thing! It's all the same fuckin' dream!- as Janis Joplin once said. Or did she say "day?"....

Flashback- Mike Chen at the Kubert School, saying "you're in a creative hell and you've got to get out." My father had said- don't quit your day job. Who's gonna hire you?

That's where I came in. I'm now in physical therapy for calcium deposits in my arm, I get transfusions monthly now to calm my colitis, and yet more drugs- but thankfully no prednisone yet...

As Madelleine Khan said in Blazing Saddles- I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.

My parents pop up in my dreams in cryptic situations with different voices- always separately. My father wished my brother a happy birthday- but I wasn't in the dream. Then again- it wasn't my birthday.

My band keeps playing sets 1 through 3, same or different drummers. Last night by myself I was playing songs I wrote in the mid-70's: who was that guy?

Lotta emotion in those old songs- a lot of life. I can sing and write better now, but I didn't try to disguise anything back then- at least in the music. Now, even my dreams are dress rehearsals, or nightmares. Work. Meaningless stuff like that.

I personally don't think there's a drug or therapist alive that is appropriate for the situation.

Seriously, simply, I guess it's the old pick your battles- and the serenity prayer. Situations have to change. I do.

8 years on the job- not bad. But there's another fork in the road- sorry, Yogi: "Take what?".......

The preceding has been the gradual altering of conscioiusness brought on by our trusty friend, Mr. Ambien CR. I aint sleepy, but I'd better.. not stay up.

If I survive the week at work- the meetings, the politics, the toxic waste- I should be much more coherent next time.

Oh, God- the clock must be wrong....